Posts
Out of the hospital...again
I was put back in the hospital last week for 6 days. Diverticulosis, ughhhh. Today I am back on track and start my 1st round of Taxol. I am still scared. No idea what kind of reaction I will have and I am hoping I sail thru this one with no problems with the diverticulosis. I am tired, really tired all I seem to do is sleep. They have me on Home health care so 14 hours of my day I am hooked up to an IV at home. two antibotics and one nutrition bag which takes 12 hours but i guess it's feeding me soooo what can I say. I am hoping to get off of that today. I have to still have the antibotics everyday by IV. I have a nurse that comes in and sees me every day too I really like her. Sooo, wish me luck with Taxol.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
eeekkk Taxol
June 13, 2009
I am really nervous about Taxol. I don't know why, I just am! also my feet are peeling! I look like a lizard. I am slathering on cream and putting socks on and hope that my feet can be normal again soon. Its like I have these gigantic blisters on the bottom of total dry skin. Can I cut it off? Its strange!
I am feeling better still not eating alot mostly liqueds but I stil have this craving for asparagus, green beans and mushroom chicken so that is what I eat when I need to chew. It works so hmmm I go with it.
I am resting alot. Its the 5th day after chemo and I seem to just kinda go splat for the next 3 days. around the 8th day I will feel good again and just in time to go get chemo again. ughhhhh but only 4 more to go I am halfway done! yay
I am really nervous about Taxol. I don't know why, I just am! also my feet are peeling! I look like a lizard. I am slathering on cream and putting socks on and hope that my feet can be normal again soon. Its like I have these gigantic blisters on the bottom of total dry skin. Can I cut it off? Its strange!
I am feeling better still not eating alot mostly liqueds but I stil have this craving for asparagus, green beans and mushroom chicken so that is what I eat when I need to chew. It works so hmmm I go with it.
I am resting alot. Its the 5th day after chemo and I seem to just kinda go splat for the next 3 days. around the 8th day I will feel good again and just in time to go get chemo again. ughhhhh but only 4 more to go I am halfway done! yay
just junk
What a long sleep that was. Actually not much sleep but lots of rest and alot of thinking and planning. I made it thru 4 chemo treatments of A/C! I only have 4 more to go and the next brew is Taxol! ughhhh, I am so hoping this one goes as smoothly as the last despite the diver thing. That is doing well btw. I am on liqueds mostly although they did authorize some solids alot actually but I still am not liking much food. My best friend is Ensure. I like it and I can drink it just fine and it's filling and thankfully it gives me enough protien. I dress it up too. I add a banana and frozen yougurt or ice cream and ice cubes and ahhhh heaven. I am kinda sick of butternut squash soup and back to liking the beef broth. I am getting thin! I like that cuz I did want to lose weight but I certainly don't want to get tooo thin cuz that just looks sick and I don't look sick. I feel a bit sick but I don't look to bad. My people here say I look good but who knows if they are just being nice, I am choosing to believe them :).
So, this is what I have been working on..... I was approached at the feel good meeting I went to by the hospital and the american cancer society rep that was there to market my little wigs that I have been making. They are simple and comfortable and amazingly enough don't look like I am wearing a wig at all. I tried the wig thing with the ones from the wig store and they to me were outrageously expensive even the free one they gave me is tooo itchy to wear for any length of time and I always feel like its going to blow off my head I can't wear it if its windy and good Lord I live on the beach it's always windy here! so needless to say I didn't wear it.
After I let the boys give me a buzz I was like omg now what so I made my own. Its comfy its cute and it looks like my hair. So I am at this meeting and most of the gals in there with me are sporting their bald heads and look beautiful and said they just don't like wearing the wigs because they are itchy and uncomfortable. They look to me and say you are lucky you still have your hair! I said oh but I don't, this is just something I made.
At that point the american cancer lady and the hospital lady ask me to come to the front and asked if I would share how it looks underneath. first thought was OMG I am going to take this off and all these women are going to see my little buzz cut the boys gave me!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk but I did it. and this one lady pulled off her wig and said I paid 800 dollars for this wig and I like yours better!!! I paid about 8 bucks to make mine :) Anyway, they asked if they could talk to after the meeting and asked if I would make a proto type and market it. I said hmmmm well yeah I guess.
I called my attorney brother and talked to him and he said Kath you need to do it. It won't make ya rich but its a good idea. so than the diver hit and everything went on hold. Since than I have made another 6 wigs for myself and they all look great I feel comfy and thought yanno I need to think about doing this again. !
I have to survive and that is my goal. I have to forget that the man I love, loves his vices more than he loves me. I will miss him every single day of my life. I truly love that man ~ but apparently he doesn't love me as much... I will survive.
So, this is what I have been working on..... I was approached at the feel good meeting I went to by the hospital and the american cancer society rep that was there to market my little wigs that I have been making. They are simple and comfortable and amazingly enough don't look like I am wearing a wig at all. I tried the wig thing with the ones from the wig store and they to me were outrageously expensive even the free one they gave me is tooo itchy to wear for any length of time and I always feel like its going to blow off my head I can't wear it if its windy and good Lord I live on the beach it's always windy here! so needless to say I didn't wear it.
After I let the boys give me a buzz I was like omg now what so I made my own. Its comfy its cute and it looks like my hair. So I am at this meeting and most of the gals in there with me are sporting their bald heads and look beautiful and said they just don't like wearing the wigs because they are itchy and uncomfortable. They look to me and say you are lucky you still have your hair! I said oh but I don't, this is just something I made.
At that point the american cancer lady and the hospital lady ask me to come to the front and asked if I would share how it looks underneath. first thought was OMG I am going to take this off and all these women are going to see my little buzz cut the boys gave me!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk but I did it. and this one lady pulled off her wig and said I paid 800 dollars for this wig and I like yours better!!! I paid about 8 bucks to make mine :) Anyway, they asked if they could talk to after the meeting and asked if I would make a proto type and market it. I said hmmmm well yeah I guess.
I called my attorney brother and talked to him and he said Kath you need to do it. It won't make ya rich but its a good idea. so than the diver hit and everything went on hold. Since than I have made another 6 wigs for myself and they all look great I feel comfy and thought yanno I need to think about doing this again. !
I have to survive and that is my goal. I have to forget that the man I love, loves his vices more than he loves me. I will miss him every single day of my life. I truly love that man ~ but apparently he doesn't love me as much... I will survive.
Is it really June already?
My Dear breast friends
Today is June 7, and I feel like I am sleeping my life away. Seriously, I sleep so much. I am still walking everyday. not as far and not as fast but I am making sure I keep my muscles working. I am losing weight and it kinda scares me.
I spike fevers a lot and have to take my temp every 4 hours. My diverticulosis is still inflamed and I guess I just will be like this until we are done with chemo. The antibotic that i have to take for it is horrible it has the worst taste you can even imagine and there is no getting around it! I also have to take another antibotic once a day and omg it is so costly because there is no generic for it so we pay alot for it!
I wasn't getting nauseas at all until diverticulosis now I get sick :( but I take the zofran on time and I can by pass the nausea sometimes.
I am almost done! I keep reminding myself that. one more a/c and than 4 taxol and I know there is life after BC I am sooo looking forward to having one again.
My kids are great, My fella Eddy is just the best man in my world. I am such a lucky woman to have this man. He amazes me. I know I have said this before but seriously he was not always like this. He was really quite the opposite. I think this scared the hell out of him and he just rose to the challenge. I am so glad he did! We are having a father's day bbq with all the kids and girlfriends and boyfriends so I am looking forward for that
.
I have my reward for finishing chemo all planned out and we hope to be on our adventure the middle of September :) I can not wait and I am so happy that Eddy asked me to plan a reward trip it has kept me thinking and I have a really fun road trip planned for us!
I thought of Hawaii first and than thought nah, I want something differant for us and something he and I would both enjoy. We are going to Utah, Idaho, Wyoming and Colorado! And have excursions planned everywhere even horseback riding in the Zion National Park! I am sooo excited for this trip. We will end up in Colorado seeing both of our familes.
Ok time for bed again
Today is June 7, and I feel like I am sleeping my life away. Seriously, I sleep so much. I am still walking everyday. not as far and not as fast but I am making sure I keep my muscles working. I am losing weight and it kinda scares me.
I spike fevers a lot and have to take my temp every 4 hours. My diverticulosis is still inflamed and I guess I just will be like this until we are done with chemo. The antibotic that i have to take for it is horrible it has the worst taste you can even imagine and there is no getting around it! I also have to take another antibotic once a day and omg it is so costly because there is no generic for it so we pay alot for it!
I wasn't getting nauseas at all until diverticulosis now I get sick :( but I take the zofran on time and I can by pass the nausea sometimes.
I am almost done! I keep reminding myself that. one more a/c and than 4 taxol and I know there is life after BC I am sooo looking forward to having one again.
My kids are great, My fella Eddy is just the best man in my world. I am such a lucky woman to have this man. He amazes me. I know I have said this before but seriously he was not always like this. He was really quite the opposite. I think this scared the hell out of him and he just rose to the challenge. I am so glad he did! We are having a father's day bbq with all the kids and girlfriends and boyfriends so I am looking forward for that
.
I have my reward for finishing chemo all planned out and we hope to be on our adventure the middle of September :) I can not wait and I am so happy that Eddy asked me to plan a reward trip it has kept me thinking and I have a really fun road trip planned for us!
I thought of Hawaii first and than thought nah, I want something differant for us and something he and I would both enjoy. We are going to Utah, Idaho, Wyoming and Colorado! And have excursions planned everywhere even horseback riding in the Zion National Park! I am sooo excited for this trip. We will end up in Colorado seeing both of our familes.
Ok time for bed again
Happy Memorial Day
Happy Memorial Day
To all of our armed forces, veterans and soldiers Thank you for your service to our country.
Today I feel better, really trying to lay low relax and just stick to my diet. So far so good. This Thursday will be the real test. I just hope and pray that I can get thru chemo this time with no problems of diverticulosis.
I had another scan and the dr said it is still as inflamed as it was the day he admitted me as it is now. Although I am doing better and no fever we just gotta hope that it stays that way. I am concerned, I am not scared, but i really am concerned. I will do what ever it is they tell me to do. So far I like my diet. I really like Ensure!
If I have to have to be on a liqued diet I am happy that its now because truly food is like my least favorite thing. I don't mind broth and purreed soups and yogurt and pudding and jello. so its not so bad. I feel like at least now I actually eat. before this I wasn't eating because chicken and salad just tasted so yucky! This stuff I can eat.
To all of our armed forces, veterans and soldiers Thank you for your service to our country.
Today I feel better, really trying to lay low relax and just stick to my diet. So far so good. This Thursday will be the real test. I just hope and pray that I can get thru chemo this time with no problems of diverticulosis.
I had another scan and the dr said it is still as inflamed as it was the day he admitted me as it is now. Although I am doing better and no fever we just gotta hope that it stays that way. I am concerned, I am not scared, but i really am concerned. I will do what ever it is they tell me to do. So far I like my diet. I really like Ensure!
If I have to have to be on a liqued diet I am happy that its now because truly food is like my least favorite thing. I don't mind broth and purreed soups and yogurt and pudding and jello. so its not so bad. I feel like at least now I actually eat. before this I wasn't eating because chicken and salad just tasted so yucky! This stuff I can eat.
7 day hospital stay
7 day Hospital Stay
It wasn't gas :) I guess I have diverticulosis and actually I knew that about 5 years ago but never have had a problem with it, until now. All that time I was complaining about having gas wasn't gas at all it was a bout of diverticulitis. I spiked a fever first about 101 and it didnt' stop rising.
By the time I got into see my Dr it was 102.9 and rising. He admitted me into the hospital pumped me with antibotics and pain meds and I think I just slept for 7days.
I have a new diet that I will need to follow while in chemo for this diverticulosis thing and hopefully it will work or I have to stop chemo and have surgery on my colon and than resume chemo so I am praying the diet works.
The diet is full liqued which is fine with me because I am so uninterested in eating it actually is perfect. The blander the better I say :) .
So I am home and I am doing better but still not tip top I really feel like Sick Cansur Chick!
It wasn't gas :) I guess I have diverticulosis and actually I knew that about 5 years ago but never have had a problem with it, until now. All that time I was complaining about having gas wasn't gas at all it was a bout of diverticulitis. I spiked a fever first about 101 and it didnt' stop rising.
By the time I got into see my Dr it was 102.9 and rising. He admitted me into the hospital pumped me with antibotics and pain meds and I think I just slept for 7days.
I have a new diet that I will need to follow while in chemo for this diverticulosis thing and hopefully it will work or I have to stop chemo and have surgery on my colon and than resume chemo so I am praying the diet works.
The diet is full liqued which is fine with me because I am so uninterested in eating it actually is perfect. The blander the better I say :) .
So I am home and I am doing better but still not tip top I really feel like Sick Cansur Chick!
Day 5 and 6 after Chemo ughhhh
Day 5 and 6 after chemo ,,,, yuck
If you get a chance to attend this class Go! Feel Better, Look Better, It was awesome and it is free! The makeup that you recieve is unreal! Full size bottles of lancome, channel, clinique, mary kay, Mac, Physician's formula, Aveda and more omg so much more. I got everything from cleansers to moisturizers to eye liners, mascara, eye shadows, lip sticks and concealer and powder. It seems way more than just 250 bucks worth. Plus they teach you how to care for your skin to keep the glow kinda there. Its a free class given by the American Cancer Society and it is probably at the hospital you attend. Ck it out.
I also made my own wig and wore it with a really cute hat and guess what? They were shocked I made it and asked me to make a proto type and sell it on their website! So this weekend I am having Ed go get me supplies and try to make a proto type. I must admit it is nice and it definately looks real. I will keep ya posted on that.
I don't feel so ugly anymore, but the 5th and 6th day after chemo I really feel crummy. Just really achey and just want to sleep. As soon as I feel good again it is time for another round of Chemo ughhhhh. I am hoping tomorrow is a better day.
If you get a chance to attend this class Go! Feel Better, Look Better, It was awesome and it is free! The makeup that you recieve is unreal! Full size bottles of lancome, channel, clinique, mary kay, Mac, Physician's formula, Aveda and more omg so much more. I got everything from cleansers to moisturizers to eye liners, mascara, eye shadows, lip sticks and concealer and powder. It seems way more than just 250 bucks worth. Plus they teach you how to care for your skin to keep the glow kinda there. Its a free class given by the American Cancer Society and it is probably at the hospital you attend. Ck it out.
I also made my own wig and wore it with a really cute hat and guess what? They were shocked I made it and asked me to make a proto type and sell it on their website! So this weekend I am having Ed go get me supplies and try to make a proto type. I must admit it is nice and it definately looks real. I will keep ya posted on that.
I don't feel so ugly anymore, but the 5th and 6th day after chemo I really feel crummy. Just really achey and just want to sleep. As soon as I feel good again it is time for another round of Chemo ughhhhh. I am hoping tomorrow is a better day.
Folice Freak Out!
It is Mother's Day 2009
I am going thru Folicle Freak Out!
OMG I am cracking up right now. I let my son give me a haircut today! I was just losing my hair in leaps and bounds and honestly I just thought Ok this will be much easier to just get rid of the problem. Sooooooooo, Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, its pretty much gone. I realize wow my mom must of really loved me because my head is very round! She didn't let me sit in my crib! hahaha I looked in the mirror afterwards and just laughed and laughed. We made this horrific ordeal fun. It really was kinda fun I gotta admit. Not that I like not having my long long hair but really big deal! I am ok with it. And my kids say I look pretty good.
Lipstick really does move mountains! I put on big ole earrings, lipstick and a really cute scarf and i am styling! hahaha I sware this is going to be something I can look back on in a year and say wow I survived it. When you look fear square in the eye you realize wow I think I can take anything on. I am ok today :)
I would take a picture but I'm not sure I am ready for that just yet. Maybe another day :) The kids took pictures the thru out the entire haircut It is a crack up really.
I really Thank God for giving me a sence of humor and a good attitude. I said from the beginning if I have to go thru this I am going to make it as fun as I possibly can so far so good. I am not saying I don't have bad days we all know I do. But honestly the good outways the bad by soooo much!
I hope you all had a great mother's day. I had a blast!
I am going thru Folicle Freak Out!
OMG I am cracking up right now. I let my son give me a haircut today! I was just losing my hair in leaps and bounds and honestly I just thought Ok this will be much easier to just get rid of the problem. Sooooooooo, Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, its pretty much gone. I realize wow my mom must of really loved me because my head is very round! She didn't let me sit in my crib! hahaha I looked in the mirror afterwards and just laughed and laughed. We made this horrific ordeal fun. It really was kinda fun I gotta admit. Not that I like not having my long long hair but really big deal! I am ok with it. And my kids say I look pretty good.
Lipstick really does move mountains! I put on big ole earrings, lipstick and a really cute scarf and i am styling! hahaha I sware this is going to be something I can look back on in a year and say wow I survived it. When you look fear square in the eye you realize wow I think I can take anything on. I am ok today :)
I would take a picture but I'm not sure I am ready for that just yet. Maybe another day :) The kids took pictures the thru out the entire haircut It is a crack up really.
I really Thank God for giving me a sence of humor and a good attitude. I said from the beginning if I have to go thru this I am going to make it as fun as I possibly can so far so good. I am not saying I don't have bad days we all know I do. But honestly the good outways the bad by soooo much!
I hope you all had a great mother's day. I had a blast!
2 down 6 to go
Only 6 more chemo treatments 2 more of A/C and than 4 of Taxol. So far A/C hasn't been so bad. no nausea, no aches or pains, a little gas but now that I have cut out dairy that seems to be gone. I am not hungry at all but I do eat. Nothing tastes good to me. I have now lost a total of 26 lbs and I kinda like that part! Not the diet I would ever recommend!
I have an amazing support team! I have my Cancer Posse of friends that call themselves My Breast Friends and honestly it is people that I have known in my business world not really friends but acquaintences that have now become my sistahs. One of my biggest clients contacted me this week to say as much as she wouldn't want me in the club that now that I am she is welcoming me. I am not kidding you this is the hardest woman to pin down for me and being one of our companies top clients I was constantly trying to win more business with them and get them on an exclusive with us and now she is wanting to know me! The best part of that is now she is allowing me to get to know her! Again, small blessings still seem to filter in.
I have not ever known so many people that I know have survived breast cancer. It is inspirational hearing their stories and getting so much advise and knowing that I can pick up the phone and just call and ask a question and they know the answer!
I know I will survive all of this, there is not one doubt in my mind or my doctors. I just can't wait til its over. I read that the time goes by fast but right now its just not fast enough I want to be thru it and back to me!
I am not liking looking in the mirror anymore. Everyday my hair is coming out and it just gets thinner and thinner and I feel like I look gray but everyone says I look great I don't see it. I don't see me anymore althought I have great cheek bones again! I try to put on lipstick to see if that will brighten my face again it does a bit but not much. I have always had really shiny eyes so shiny people commented on my eyes and now I don't see the shine anymore. Does that all come back? I call myself Sick Cansur Chick. Or Dead girl walking. I know sounds sick but hey it makes me laugh!
I hate being so vain but dang I have never ever had to worry how I look. I would just get up shower, do my hair and put on my outfit and know I look fine. Now I get up shower, stare at my thinning hair, put on a scarf or cute hat and stare again and think ok where is my color I feel gray.
I am staying positive and I use my cancer card!!
Chemo Treatments- 10K
Custom Wig - 15K
Getting out of going to dinner with the boss - Priceless!
I have an amazing support team! I have my Cancer Posse of friends that call themselves My Breast Friends and honestly it is people that I have known in my business world not really friends but acquaintences that have now become my sistahs. One of my biggest clients contacted me this week to say as much as she wouldn't want me in the club that now that I am she is welcoming me. I am not kidding you this is the hardest woman to pin down for me and being one of our companies top clients I was constantly trying to win more business with them and get them on an exclusive with us and now she is wanting to know me! The best part of that is now she is allowing me to get to know her! Again, small blessings still seem to filter in.
I have not ever known so many people that I know have survived breast cancer. It is inspirational hearing their stories and getting so much advise and knowing that I can pick up the phone and just call and ask a question and they know the answer!
I know I will survive all of this, there is not one doubt in my mind or my doctors. I just can't wait til its over. I read that the time goes by fast but right now its just not fast enough I want to be thru it and back to me!
I am not liking looking in the mirror anymore. Everyday my hair is coming out and it just gets thinner and thinner and I feel like I look gray but everyone says I look great I don't see it. I don't see me anymore althought I have great cheek bones again! I try to put on lipstick to see if that will brighten my face again it does a bit but not much. I have always had really shiny eyes so shiny people commented on my eyes and now I don't see the shine anymore. Does that all come back? I call myself Sick Cansur Chick. Or Dead girl walking. I know sounds sick but hey it makes me laugh!
I hate being so vain but dang I have never ever had to worry how I look. I would just get up shower, do my hair and put on my outfit and know I look fine. Now I get up shower, stare at my thinning hair, put on a scarf or cute hat and stare again and think ok where is my color I feel gray.
I am staying positive and I use my cancer card!!
Chemo Treatments- 10K
Custom Wig - 15K
Getting out of going to dinner with the boss - Priceless!
Millar Party of One
Millar party of One! Come to the Treatment Center!
Tomorrow is my second chemo treatment ughhhhhh! I am so not looking forward to it! But I have to remember only 6 more after that! I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its not that it hurts having chemo or that it makes me sick because really I did quite well with it. For the first 4 days I am really good and have energy and than it starts to kinda slow down for me for day 5-8 and than I do ok again. So ok I am dealing with it.
Oh and now my hair is starting to fall out :( yup sure enough I ran my fingers thru it and omg a clump of it came out right in my hand so than I just kept doing that and than thought omg what am i doing? I am litterally pulling my hair out with total ease! I have a lot of hair and it was pretty long! So I marched into the bathroom took out the scissiors and whack cut it to my shoulders! hahahaha and than got my son Tyler and said ok can ya just even it out for me and ya know what it looks GREAT!
I have always had long hair but I think I like it short. I am not sure I am gonna like bald but I can sport it for a few months if I have to right? Sure I can! I have a lot of really cute hats and scarfs I just need to figure out how to tie them and I will really be styling! So for now I have a cute short hair cut to my shoulders and Eddy is calling me 99! that cracks me up! I am going to bed its after 10 and I have a big day tomorrow. xoxoo
Tomorrow is my second chemo treatment ughhhhhh! I am so not looking forward to it! But I have to remember only 6 more after that! I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its not that it hurts having chemo or that it makes me sick because really I did quite well with it. For the first 4 days I am really good and have energy and than it starts to kinda slow down for me for day 5-8 and than I do ok again. So ok I am dealing with it.
Oh and now my hair is starting to fall out :( yup sure enough I ran my fingers thru it and omg a clump of it came out right in my hand so than I just kept doing that and than thought omg what am i doing? I am litterally pulling my hair out with total ease! I have a lot of hair and it was pretty long! So I marched into the bathroom took out the scissiors and whack cut it to my shoulders! hahahaha and than got my son Tyler and said ok can ya just even it out for me and ya know what it looks GREAT!
I have always had long hair but I think I like it short. I am not sure I am gonna like bald but I can sport it for a few months if I have to right? Sure I can! I have a lot of really cute hats and scarfs I just need to figure out how to tie them and I will really be styling! So for now I have a cute short hair cut to my shoulders and Eddy is calling me 99! that cracks me up! I am going to bed its after 10 and I have a big day tomorrow. xoxoo
Back up Friends
Back up Friends
I have been thinking about the past and when i have heard about people going thru chemo and I never truly realized what they were going thru until now. I do know now that if and when I ever hear of another person that is going thru Chemo what I will be doing. I will always be a better friend. I have a lot of great people in my life and than I have those over the top caring people in my life that I really never realized just what angels they are.
I have been in the hotel business for 19 years. I started way back in the day as a server in the banquet department part time at Disneyland Hotel, just so I could get my little boys into Disneyland free and worked my way up from Catering Coordinator to Director of Sales over the years. I have made a lot of fantasitic business friends. Friends whom I travel all over the country with, for business, do sales blitzes with and have lunch occationally with. They are my competitors of course but, also good business friends. I never had them over my home or vice versa just business friends.
One friend a few years ago was diagnoised with Breast Cancer and I remember just crying when I heard. I emailed occationally to see how she was doing and once she was back at work and going thru radiation I clipped my aloe vera plant made a little plant and brought it to her at her hotel. But that was really all I did. She is fantastic btw and back full force working and traveling again like a crazy hotel person does. She was the first person I called when I heard... "Yes, you have cancer". I knew she had experieced this and I needed her knowledge and I needed her to tell me Oh honey it will be ok you can do this. She was right I can do this. but that isn't my point here.
My point is this woman who I always always liked hanging with when we were on the road weather it was in Memphis, Boston or Florida, she was my ciggerette break friend, my lets go get a drink friend and omg can you believe how big her butt is friend. But once we got back home to our own hotels we didn't hang out. I had never been to her home or she to mine. We didn't even have each other's home numbers. I know her hotel number by heart and she knows mine but other than traveling together for work we really don't see each other unless its at the convention center or some networking event.
She has been a rock for me. She wrote me a great letter saying she knew how much family and so many good friends I have and that I was so blessed to have all of my High School girlfriends still very much in my life, but to rely on her as My Backup Friend. And her analogy of a back up friend was great. She said as much as my friends want to be here they can't always, which is of course very true, She was a transplant to California from NYC and all her lifetime friends were in NY. When she got ill she found a whole slue of back up friends which now she really considers a few of them pretty close to forever friends. I immediately thought Back up Friend? that sounds so demeening. I wrote her back an email saying omg I think you are so much more than a back up friend and she said oh no, that isn't a bad thing its actually a really good thing because you have a whole bunch of back up friends just waiting to show you they exist. It's all those hotel friends that I have known over the years in my business world but, never really hung with outside of work.
She said to me Kath, this does not happen by itself, to get and keep good friends you must already be a good friend, this is a true calling and a blessing as far as i am concerned. I thought that was so nice of her to say!
Back up Friends are so important! I really think after all this my back up friends will be my forever friends and I just appreciate life and friends so much more than I did a few months ago.
It has also taught me how to be a better friend.
Again, I don't know how blessings still filter in but they do. The lesson for me is #1 never again say I really want to lose weight and than pray for it. and Lesson 2 be a better friend, person, mother, wife. Love uncondionally and never lose faith.
I have been thinking about the past and when i have heard about people going thru chemo and I never truly realized what they were going thru until now. I do know now that if and when I ever hear of another person that is going thru Chemo what I will be doing. I will always be a better friend. I have a lot of great people in my life and than I have those over the top caring people in my life that I really never realized just what angels they are.
I have been in the hotel business for 19 years. I started way back in the day as a server in the banquet department part time at Disneyland Hotel, just so I could get my little boys into Disneyland free and worked my way up from Catering Coordinator to Director of Sales over the years. I have made a lot of fantasitic business friends. Friends whom I travel all over the country with, for business, do sales blitzes with and have lunch occationally with. They are my competitors of course but, also good business friends. I never had them over my home or vice versa just business friends.
One friend a few years ago was diagnoised with Breast Cancer and I remember just crying when I heard. I emailed occationally to see how she was doing and once she was back at work and going thru radiation I clipped my aloe vera plant made a little plant and brought it to her at her hotel. But that was really all I did. She is fantastic btw and back full force working and traveling again like a crazy hotel person does. She was the first person I called when I heard... "Yes, you have cancer". I knew she had experieced this and I needed her knowledge and I needed her to tell me Oh honey it will be ok you can do this. She was right I can do this. but that isn't my point here.
My point is this woman who I always always liked hanging with when we were on the road weather it was in Memphis, Boston or Florida, she was my ciggerette break friend, my lets go get a drink friend and omg can you believe how big her butt is friend. But once we got back home to our own hotels we didn't hang out. I had never been to her home or she to mine. We didn't even have each other's home numbers. I know her hotel number by heart and she knows mine but other than traveling together for work we really don't see each other unless its at the convention center or some networking event.
She has been a rock for me. She wrote me a great letter saying she knew how much family and so many good friends I have and that I was so blessed to have all of my High School girlfriends still very much in my life, but to rely on her as My Backup Friend. And her analogy of a back up friend was great. She said as much as my friends want to be here they can't always, which is of course very true, She was a transplant to California from NYC and all her lifetime friends were in NY. When she got ill she found a whole slue of back up friends which now she really considers a few of them pretty close to forever friends. I immediately thought Back up Friend? that sounds so demeening. I wrote her back an email saying omg I think you are so much more than a back up friend and she said oh no, that isn't a bad thing its actually a really good thing because you have a whole bunch of back up friends just waiting to show you they exist. It's all those hotel friends that I have known over the years in my business world but, never really hung with outside of work.
She said to me Kath, this does not happen by itself, to get and keep good friends you must already be a good friend, this is a true calling and a blessing as far as i am concerned. I thought that was so nice of her to say!
Back up Friends are so important! I really think after all this my back up friends will be my forever friends and I just appreciate life and friends so much more than I did a few months ago.
It has also taught me how to be a better friend.
Again, I don't know how blessings still filter in but they do. The lesson for me is #1 never again say I really want to lose weight and than pray for it. and Lesson 2 be a better friend, person, mother, wife. Love uncondionally and never lose faith.
It's May 1 2009
plop plop fizz fizz oh what a relief it is! Finally I feel better! Just in time to go back for chemo hahaha how ironic! Today I felt like eating also. I thought of Cajun Lady and what she said her hubby brought her on Chemo day. Yup a hamberger! I was on my home from Rehab for my arm and told Eddy OMG I want a hamberger so he took me for one! I ate half of it and I was so proud of myself! And It tasted sooooooooooooo GOOD! I couldn't eat more than a half but that is like big times lately to even get half of it down.
Went on my evening walk and I still think its important for me to walk if anything to prevent GAS! ughhhhhhh, I have had 2 c-sections a hyterectomy and never in my life have I ever felt soooo misserable to gas pains. So the walks seem to help a bit.
I was talking to one of my best friends from High School today and I just had the most wonderful talk with her. I realized wow, I have a lot of really good people in my life. My outlook on this BS right now is hey it is here no denying it so just make the best of it. Which isn't easy to do. It's like I have to convince myself but I am dealing with it and still manage to smile. I also make mean faces sometimes too but all in all I have to say I would much rather have the positive outlook than the doom and gloom. and than again I wouldn't mind just laying in bed and sleeping thru the next 4 months.
All the kids were here tonight :) I love when that happens. They all were playing Poker with Eddy and eating and drinking and laughing laughing and more laughing. I enjoyed the laughter coming from the Living Room. Fun times.
I hope you all are doing well!
Went on my evening walk and I still think its important for me to walk if anything to prevent GAS! ughhhhhhh, I have had 2 c-sections a hyterectomy and never in my life have I ever felt soooo misserable to gas pains. So the walks seem to help a bit.
I was talking to one of my best friends from High School today and I just had the most wonderful talk with her. I realized wow, I have a lot of really good people in my life. My outlook on this BS right now is hey it is here no denying it so just make the best of it. Which isn't easy to do. It's like I have to convince myself but I am dealing with it and still manage to smile. I also make mean faces sometimes too but all in all I have to say I would much rather have the positive outlook than the doom and gloom. and than again I wouldn't mind just laying in bed and sleeping thru the next 4 months.
All the kids were here tonight :) I love when that happens. They all were playing Poker with Eddy and eating and drinking and laughing laughing and more laughing. I enjoyed the laughter coming from the Living Room. Fun times.
I hope you all are doing well!
Not feelin so perky today!
I really need a pick me up!
I feel like I got a lot of rest. not nearly as much as I need. But I really decided to listen to my body and just rest. My stomach hurts not really painful but kinda a gassy feeling.
I ate the sherbert and it tasted so good. It did cool down my mouth and all the flavors of rainbow sherbert were there. The guys bought chocolate too but I really don't want that. I just like to smell it.
Today I go for my wig fitting. Even though I haven't lost my hair yet. I am not excited I am really kinda just dreading it as it makes it all to real for me. Eddy started a project for me with my patio and it looks so nice. I had an idea and voiced it and that fella of mine just took the bull by the horns and is making it happen. I love my patio. I don't see the ocean from it but I can still hear it. Its full of greenery and I can relax out there.
I can't wait til this is behind me. It seems as if time is stopped and I am just getting by each day on a wing and a prayer. Where is my positive attitude? I know I still have it. I think I am tired of tyring to be picture perfect and just want to say yea, I am sick take care of me.
I know I will beat this and I know there is a rainbow at the end of this dark dark tunnel but dang it I want it now! I said I have 2 days of poor me and than someone better start kicking my ass. This is day 2
I feel like I got a lot of rest. not nearly as much as I need. But I really decided to listen to my body and just rest. My stomach hurts not really painful but kinda a gassy feeling.
I ate the sherbert and it tasted so good. It did cool down my mouth and all the flavors of rainbow sherbert were there. The guys bought chocolate too but I really don't want that. I just like to smell it.
Today I go for my wig fitting. Even though I haven't lost my hair yet. I am not excited I am really kinda just dreading it as it makes it all to real for me. Eddy started a project for me with my patio and it looks so nice. I had an idea and voiced it and that fella of mine just took the bull by the horns and is making it happen. I love my patio. I don't see the ocean from it but I can still hear it. Its full of greenery and I can relax out there.
I can't wait til this is behind me. It seems as if time is stopped and I am just getting by each day on a wing and a prayer. Where is my positive attitude? I know I still have it. I think I am tired of tyring to be picture perfect and just want to say yea, I am sick take care of me.
I know I will beat this and I know there is a rainbow at the end of this dark dark tunnel but dang it I want it now! I said I have 2 days of poor me and than someone better start kicking my ass. This is day 2
I feel good nah nah nah nah nah nah!
I feel goood! nah nah nah nah nah nah nah!
I am amazed at how good I am still feeling. I haven't gotten nausea at all. A bit tired but that really is about it. When my body says sleep I sleep. Last night my body said Pizza! So out went my son and got a pizza. It sounded alot better than it actually tasted but I did manage to get a few bites down. More than anything else the smell of it was just delish!
Today I recieved one of those edible fruit arrangements from a neighbor WOW! Such an awesome gift. So today we have been dining on all kinds of fruit. Strawberries and mangos and oranges and grapes yummy!
I am getting ready to see my doctor tomorrow my surgeon, she wants to ck up on me and I am excited to see her. She did a great job and I have a great battle scar!
I am thankful that so far I feel ok. I just pray I can keep saying that. This is a life changing isn't it? I just appreciate so much more these days. I hope you are feeling good. Hang in there. Think positive thoughts and just believe that you are healed with God's gentle touch. Prayers are answered. and try like heck to keep smiling. Even when ya don't want to.
Healing thoughts and prayers and positive energy coming your way!
I am amazed at how good I am still feeling. I haven't gotten nausea at all. A bit tired but that really is about it. When my body says sleep I sleep. Last night my body said Pizza! So out went my son and got a pizza. It sounded alot better than it actually tasted but I did manage to get a few bites down. More than anything else the smell of it was just delish!
Today I recieved one of those edible fruit arrangements from a neighbor WOW! Such an awesome gift. So today we have been dining on all kinds of fruit. Strawberries and mangos and oranges and grapes yummy!
I am getting ready to see my doctor tomorrow my surgeon, she wants to ck up on me and I am excited to see her. She did a great job and I have a great battle scar!
I am thankful that so far I feel ok. I just pray I can keep saying that. This is a life changing isn't it? I just appreciate so much more these days. I hope you are feeling good. Hang in there. Think positive thoughts and just believe that you are healed with God's gentle touch. Prayers are answered. and try like heck to keep smiling. Even when ya don't want to.
Healing thoughts and prayers and positive energy coming your way!
Day 1 of Chemo
Wow! I got up way to early and got ready to run to my doctor for the quick ck over and than to the plushy infusion center. I asked questions. What exactly are you giving me and what does it do and is anything optional. He listed everything and gave me a print out of everything. I decided to just take it all the first time and see how I did. They gave me Emend 125 mg and than 2 other emend for day 2 and day 3 80mg. and that is the only time I guess that i take that.
When I arrived at the infusion center they took me to my relaxing chair like the ones at the spa where i get my pedicures. My nurse was great she was kinda one of those hip trendy striped hair and full of enthusiam which I actually liked. She was relaxing to me and asked first if I had questions. I asked her what are you giving me and what is optional. same list as the dr but I wanted her to pass the test. :) So my AC and aloxi, ativan, decadron and an rx for Zofran. It was 3 hours there and than I was on my way home.
My fella Eddy, got me to the car and I guess asked me how are you doing baby and he said I looked at him and said "I am sorry Eddy I don't understand the question" haha. I guess I was a little dingy.
He drove straight to the park and said sorry chicky we are going walking and I thought omg can i walk and he took my arm and lead me around the park for about 20 minutes and than took me home. I appreciate so much that he made me walk and when we got home he had made me in the crock pot a mineral brew of a million vegetables that I never use it was a recipe he got from my niece in colorado and she called it magic mineral broth. It was pretty good! I drank a cup of that and slept. When I woke up I drank more water and more broth and he took me walking again. We live on the beach and it was a nice walk, we walked for about 30 minutes and it was nice smelling the sea air. I came home drank more water and slept. All in all I feel good. No nausea and I hope I don't have any. For snacks I brought some raw almonds, crackers and provolone cheese and 4 fig newton bars. It was a perfect lunch for me.
I feel good I hope the outcome of all my chemo treatments are like this one. but man I am sleepy. thank you for caring! I keep you all in my prayers and thank you for keeping me in yours :)
When I arrived at the infusion center they took me to my relaxing chair like the ones at the spa where i get my pedicures. My nurse was great she was kinda one of those hip trendy striped hair and full of enthusiam which I actually liked. She was relaxing to me and asked first if I had questions. I asked her what are you giving me and what is optional. same list as the dr but I wanted her to pass the test. :) So my AC and aloxi, ativan, decadron and an rx for Zofran. It was 3 hours there and than I was on my way home.
My fella Eddy, got me to the car and I guess asked me how are you doing baby and he said I looked at him and said "I am sorry Eddy I don't understand the question" haha. I guess I was a little dingy.
He drove straight to the park and said sorry chicky we are going walking and I thought omg can i walk and he took my arm and lead me around the park for about 20 minutes and than took me home. I appreciate so much that he made me walk and when we got home he had made me in the crock pot a mineral brew of a million vegetables that I never use it was a recipe he got from my niece in colorado and she called it magic mineral broth. It was pretty good! I drank a cup of that and slept. When I woke up I drank more water and more broth and he took me walking again. We live on the beach and it was a nice walk, we walked for about 30 minutes and it was nice smelling the sea air. I came home drank more water and slept. All in all I feel good. No nausea and I hope I don't have any. For snacks I brought some raw almonds, crackers and provolone cheese and 4 fig newton bars. It was a perfect lunch for me.
I feel good I hope the outcome of all my chemo treatments are like this one. but man I am sleepy. thank you for caring! I keep you all in my prayers and thank you for keeping me in yours :)
How time flies when your trying to survive
How time flys when you are trying to survive
Ok so here it is Wendesday night and I go for my first chemo treatment manana! eeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkk. So many great tips and advise from the ladies on the site and thank you to all of you! I have my little stuff to do bag packed along with a really comfy pillow and blanket and books, and thank you notes and inspirational letters that friends and family have given me. I am ready!!! I think..... ya, I am ready.
I have been fielding a million questions from upset family members regarding my sister's memorial that really wasn't a memorial to honor her at all. Such a dissappointment that they turned it into a give to the church sermon instead of honoring my beautiful sister. But as I write this I have to remember we must move on from it and seek comfort in our thoughts of her because she was one beautiful woman and not a mean bone in her petite little body! I think I got all the mean bones :)~~
So, tomorrow the poison begins and I know they say this is what I have to do but gawd I am not looking forward to it. So once a week 3 hours for the next 8 weeks. They say I will lose my hair in about 9 days. Why am I having such great hair days now???? not fair dang it :)
So today I am still smiling I will let you know tomorrow if I still am. But I sure hope you are!
Ok so here it is Wendesday night and I go for my first chemo treatment manana! eeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkk. So many great tips and advise from the ladies on the site and thank you to all of you! I have my little stuff to do bag packed along with a really comfy pillow and blanket and books, and thank you notes and inspirational letters that friends and family have given me. I am ready!!! I think..... ya, I am ready.
I have been fielding a million questions from upset family members regarding my sister's memorial that really wasn't a memorial to honor her at all. Such a dissappointment that they turned it into a give to the church sermon instead of honoring my beautiful sister. But as I write this I have to remember we must move on from it and seek comfort in our thoughts of her because she was one beautiful woman and not a mean bone in her petite little body! I think I got all the mean bones :)~~
So, tomorrow the poison begins and I know they say this is what I have to do but gawd I am not looking forward to it. So once a week 3 hours for the next 8 weeks. They say I will lose my hair in about 9 days. Why am I having such great hair days now???? not fair dang it :)
So today I am still smiling I will let you know tomorrow if I still am. But I sure hope you are!
Its up to us to make it sweeet
It's up to us to make it sweet
Life is short... It is up to us to make it sweet. Happiness, the sheer joy of being alive. Ok, so we all pursue happiness, right? And than you go in for a mammogram and get the results and its life changing and you think or at least I do, WHOA!!!! I was happy a few days ago and I didn't even realize it until...... I heard those horrible words "Yes it is Cancer, Yes its in your Lympth Nodes"! Wait a minute BACK UP THE BOAT can I go back to yesterday or last year or 5 years ago and start over? I promise I will realize I was happy :)
So, again I hop in the saddle and begin the cycle of pursing happiness. Only recently, (like in the last 3 days) I awakened to the fact that I have an awesome life. Yes, I have too many bills, not enough money, I pass on the cake and ice cream and try like hell to fit in my skinny jeans that haven't fit me for years, But, really when I think about it, I somehow managed to make it all work. On the 5th of every month I think, Oh Great how the hell are we going to pay our mortgage, eat and put gas in our cars to get to work. blah blah blah. If you do the numbers its near impossible to make it work but, some how , some way we do it. Don't ask me how. I can only say it is having faith that God will allow us to make it work. And it does!
So when things seem Grim and the numbers are so out of whack and things are near impossible....... Remember, some how and some way WE GET THRU IT!
Be open to the tiny miracles, the burst of unexpected happiness. The simple things that come out of the blue to delight us with its complete unanticipatedness.
We are always always always being given Joy- from our family, our friends, our co workers, life itself and we can easly be blind to the gift. As I go about my day today, I am going to pay attention and notice all the things I am being given today, and recieve it with joy.
"Whatever, I am offered in devotion with a pure heart-a leaf, a flower, fruit or water- I accept it with joy". --- Krishna
Never give up- fight like hell and WE WILL GET THRU THIS!!
This is the 3rd day of my Journey to being a Survivor!
Life is short... It is up to us to make it sweet. Happiness, the sheer joy of being alive. Ok, so we all pursue happiness, right? And than you go in for a mammogram and get the results and its life changing and you think or at least I do, WHOA!!!! I was happy a few days ago and I didn't even realize it until...... I heard those horrible words "Yes it is Cancer, Yes its in your Lympth Nodes"! Wait a minute BACK UP THE BOAT can I go back to yesterday or last year or 5 years ago and start over? I promise I will realize I was happy :)
So, again I hop in the saddle and begin the cycle of pursing happiness. Only recently, (like in the last 3 days) I awakened to the fact that I have an awesome life. Yes, I have too many bills, not enough money, I pass on the cake and ice cream and try like hell to fit in my skinny jeans that haven't fit me for years, But, really when I think about it, I somehow managed to make it all work. On the 5th of every month I think, Oh Great how the hell are we going to pay our mortgage, eat and put gas in our cars to get to work. blah blah blah. If you do the numbers its near impossible to make it work but, some how , some way we do it. Don't ask me how. I can only say it is having faith that God will allow us to make it work. And it does!
So when things seem Grim and the numbers are so out of whack and things are near impossible....... Remember, some how and some way WE GET THRU IT!
Be open to the tiny miracles, the burst of unexpected happiness. The simple things that come out of the blue to delight us with its complete unanticipatedness.
We are always always always being given Joy- from our family, our friends, our co workers, life itself and we can easly be blind to the gift. As I go about my day today, I am going to pay attention and notice all the things I am being given today, and recieve it with joy.
"Whatever, I am offered in devotion with a pure heart-a leaf, a flower, fruit or water- I accept it with joy". --- Krishna
Never give up- fight like hell and WE WILL GET THRU THIS!!
This is the 3rd day of my Journey to being a Survivor!
Blessings Still seem to filter in
Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.
Harold Wilson (1916 - 1995)
I have come to have a renewed appreciation of the ebb and flow of life. Even amist all this craziness, Blessings still seem to filter in. A few weeks ago, with our children going here and there and all of our busy schedules I prayed that our family could be closer like we use to be. Family nights and dinners and a house full of kids like it use to be when they were little. Now they are all grown and doing their own thing and living their own lives. I am so proud of my kids and I Thank God they finally evolved! I can honestly say I grew up some good kids!!!
So back to what I was saying.... We are a close family and we spend time with the kids when they have time, we still do the birthday parties and beach gatherings and holidays but to really spend some good quality time together is few and far between.
Tonight, I have a house full of adult kids visiting the entire weekend. We are drinking wine and playing Guitar Hero taking turns at the drums and guitar and even singing (trust me I suck at singing) but I am in there singing The Eye of the Tigerrrrrrrrrr... So I was thinking, God does answer prayers.... I ask for courage and patients and now I have it. I ask to see my busy kids more and wow here they are!!!! Family life remains one of our greatest blessings. This together time and memory making has definately been one of my bright spots today!
As I face this uncertainty, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude of what I do have. I am grateful of the realationship I have with my brave and supportive man and the great kids we have. I am grateful to have all the memories that I have and I look forward to the memories I am making now. I am grateful for a hard days work and a good nights sleep! I am grateful for the peace that comes from having faith that trancends all this darkness. I am grateful of a God that hears all of our cries and broken hearts. I am grateful for all of these blessings, even at this time, that is colored by sadness. I am also grateful for you my new Sistahs! Thank you for being an intregal part of my journey thru LIFE and allowing me to be part of yours!
May your faith sustain you, may Hope be real in your life, and may his Love surround us all!
Harold Wilson (1916 - 1995)
I have come to have a renewed appreciation of the ebb and flow of life. Even amist all this craziness, Blessings still seem to filter in. A few weeks ago, with our children going here and there and all of our busy schedules I prayed that our family could be closer like we use to be. Family nights and dinners and a house full of kids like it use to be when they were little. Now they are all grown and doing their own thing and living their own lives. I am so proud of my kids and I Thank God they finally evolved! I can honestly say I grew up some good kids!!!
So back to what I was saying.... We are a close family and we spend time with the kids when they have time, we still do the birthday parties and beach gatherings and holidays but to really spend some good quality time together is few and far between.
Tonight, I have a house full of adult kids visiting the entire weekend. We are drinking wine and playing Guitar Hero taking turns at the drums and guitar and even singing (trust me I suck at singing) but I am in there singing The Eye of the Tigerrrrrrrrrr... So I was thinking, God does answer prayers.... I ask for courage and patients and now I have it. I ask to see my busy kids more and wow here they are!!!! Family life remains one of our greatest blessings. This together time and memory making has definately been one of my bright spots today!
As I face this uncertainty, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude of what I do have. I am grateful of the realationship I have with my brave and supportive man and the great kids we have. I am grateful to have all the memories that I have and I look forward to the memories I am making now. I am grateful for a hard days work and a good nights sleep! I am grateful for the peace that comes from having faith that trancends all this darkness. I am grateful of a God that hears all of our cries and broken hearts. I am grateful for all of these blessings, even at this time, that is colored by sadness. I am also grateful for you my new Sistahs! Thank you for being an intregal part of my journey thru LIFE and allowing me to be part of yours!
May your faith sustain you, may Hope be real in your life, and may his Love surround us all!
We Asked for a Miracle
God truly does answer prayers. We prayed and prayed and came together and asked for a Miracle for my beautiful sister Lorrie. We wanted Lorrie to live and recover even when the Doctors were saying if she lives it will be a miracle. I so didn't want my sis to have to struggle every single day of the rest of her life relearning everything however, I would of gladly helped her along the way. Miracles do happen. Even if it doesn't seem like the miracle we were hoping for. We got our miracle.
My sister has died. Its heartbreaking and I will miss her all the rest of my days. But she truly is a miracle! Nothing can really comfort us but now, knowing she has helped others to continue their lives and knowing how grateful those families are to have their loved ones have a second chance at life is truly a miracle.
My sister has given an extrodinary gift. Lives have been saved because she strongly believed in being a donor. What a wonderful act of kindness! We asked for a miracle and God answered our prayer for a miracle. Just think how happy the reciepients are and their families knowing that this wonderful person My beautiful Sister Lorrie, even in death wants to give life to others. I am so proud of my sis! She truly gave the gift of life!
My sister has joined some special people in heaven and they are all in God's care now.
Much much love to all of you. Thank you for your prayers and support.
I thought after my surgery I would be in extreme pain. I had all of my lympth nodes removed and my right breast has been reduced alot. But I am alive! I don't know if I am just numb from my tremendous loss or if God has just wrapped his arms around me and took away the pain of surgery. I feel loved and I hope that all of you also feel God's love.
Never lose hope and always have faith in God. Don't be afraid to be happy. Enjoy what is beautiful. Love with your heart and soul and believe that those you love, love you.
On to my journey... and so the story continues and life goes on...
My sister has died. Its heartbreaking and I will miss her all the rest of my days. But she truly is a miracle! Nothing can really comfort us but now, knowing she has helped others to continue their lives and knowing how grateful those families are to have their loved ones have a second chance at life is truly a miracle.
My sister has given an extrodinary gift. Lives have been saved because she strongly believed in being a donor. What a wonderful act of kindness! We asked for a miracle and God answered our prayer for a miracle. Just think how happy the reciepients are and their families knowing that this wonderful person My beautiful Sister Lorrie, even in death wants to give life to others. I am so proud of my sis! She truly gave the gift of life!
My sister has joined some special people in heaven and they are all in God's care now.
Much much love to all of you. Thank you for your prayers and support.
I thought after my surgery I would be in extreme pain. I had all of my lympth nodes removed and my right breast has been reduced alot. But I am alive! I don't know if I am just numb from my tremendous loss or if God has just wrapped his arms around me and took away the pain of surgery. I feel loved and I hope that all of you also feel God's love.
Never lose hope and always have faith in God. Don't be afraid to be happy. Enjoy what is beautiful. Love with your heart and soul and believe that those you love, love you.
On to my journey... and so the story continues and life goes on...
Easter Sunday
My surgery went well. All the lympth nodes from my right arm were removed and alot of my right breast tissue also. I feel great and I am alive! Some pain not much. I guess the drugs help. I haven't taken any today and I actually did ok. So the next step. recover, and heal and get ready for Chemo! I am just as positive as my first day of learing I had cansur. (yes I will always spell it wrong, I will never respect the word so I purposely misspell it!)
I am sad today and I fear I will be sad for many days to come. My beautiful Sister Lorries has passed on. She is now in the hands of God and is my personal angel! I will miss my sister every single day of my life but I also know that she is dancing in Heaven. I don't understand why any of this has happened but I still trust in God, I will never lose my faith.
I can still smile even at such a sad time in my life. I again am grateful for what I do have! #1 I am alive. I have an amazing family and I am so thankful for the lifetime of memories that I have with my sis.
I am sad today and I fear I will be sad for many days to come. My beautiful Sister Lorries has passed on. She is now in the hands of God and is my personal angel! I will miss my sister every single day of my life but I also know that she is dancing in Heaven. I don't understand why any of this has happened but I still trust in God, I will never lose my faith.
I can still smile even at such a sad time in my life. I again am grateful for what I do have! #1 I am alive. I have an amazing family and I am so thankful for the lifetime of memories that I have with my sis.
The Introduction
I am still in shock to say the least. I am getting ready to see my breast surgeon and all that ran thru my head is... young,upbeat, trendy, hip and in the know! This Dr really knows her stuff, so I hear. But really I am just wondering if my Dr is Merridith Grey's little sister from Grey's Anatomy. ughhhhh, I would rather have Merridith or Izzy as my Dr. I am not sure I want young, upbeat, trendy, hip and in the know. No Wait! I want Dr. Bailey, yes I definately want Dr. Bailey to be my Dr! All I know is I don't want Little Grey! Maybe.... Mc Dreamy or Mc Steamy.... OMG here I am facing a huge crisis in my perfect little life and I am comparing my new Dr that I am meeting for the first time to a TV show! Sheesh Kath get it together girl!
I am ready to go. Hair brushed, makeup on. Here I go t0 meet Little Grey. I am so not looking forward to this. I pull up to the Valet at the hospital (yes, they actually have valet at my hospital) I make my way to the breast center to meet my new Dr. Still thinking she is Little Grey forsure.
My name is called and low and behold there is my new Dr. She isn't Merridith, Izzy, Dr Bailey and she wasn't Little Grey! She is young, she is hip, she is trendy, she is upbeat, and she is definately in the know. They forgot to mention she is gorgeous too. But for me most importantly she is my Dr! Dr Lisa and I loved her!! She spent 3.5 hours with us. She would of spent more time if we had needed more time. She didn't rush us at all. She answered all of our questions, explained everything to us. She even gave me her personal cell phone number and email address! Do Doctors still do that??? Well mine did and really I am so happy with my new Dr!
From her office I go to the oncologist! OMG now I have an oncologist! He is awesome too. wow who would of thought I'd have an oncologist and a breast surgeon. Ok so he plans out our game plan to get thru this breast cancer thing.
Dr V. my oncologist, tells us our my game plan and I am ready to face this head on. I am ready to meet all the challenges of the treatment. I am ready to go thru the good, the bad and yes, even the ugly. I am ready to give this cansur (ya ya I know I spelled it wrong, I will continue to spell it wrong thru out the blog. I give the word no respect so one way to do it is to mispell it) I am ready to get this horrible disease out of my body. It can not stay! No Vacancy here!
I still haven't told my sister that I have Breast cancer. Her surgery is coming up. I have a housefull of guests coming for a bbq to celebrate Eddy's father's induction to the Motorcycle Hall of fame. We had this planned for a year so I couldn't cancel it. 35 guests for a bbq and my sister is in surgery. I knew it was an 8 hour surgery so before the guests would arrive she would be out of surgery and safe and I could go ahead and enjoy this gathering. Well things don't always go as planned. 8 hours turned into 12 and than 14 and than 16. I was a complete wreck so worried about my sister and I was so thankful that one of my best friends Beverly was there with me and she helped entertain the guests and clean up. I couldn't think! I kept calling my brother in law to find out what was going on. He said there were some complications during surgery. Lorrie had edema on the brain which caused multiple strokes and the entire left side of her brain went gray. The right side had to stay strong. She hadn't woken up yet from surgery.
I raced up to the hospital the next day. Lorrie still hasn't woken up. My surgery is scheduled for April 10th. Its April 4th come on Lorrie wake up!!! More complications for my pretty sister! She is in for the fight of her life! She is still in a coma, I look at her and she is truly beautiful. I am praying she wakes up. I am at the hospital everyday until April 9th I have to get ready for my surgery. Good Friday, yup its my surgery date.
Good Friday, ughh surgery time for me. I am not concerned about me, I am concerned about my sister and I know in my heart that if she wakes up she is not going to be the same. I pray that she has a deal with God that if she thinks she can handle life here with us that she wakes up but if it just is to much for her that she go with him.
Lumpectomy on the right side and extraction of all my lympth nodes. NO new boobs for me. I have one normal sized one and one little one. but who cares I am alive!!!
When I wake up from surgery I see my boys and Eddy. I look at my boys and say Auntie Lo Lo died. They said no mom she is still alive. I know she isn't. I don't know why I know but I do know that my sister died when I was in surgery. I told them she was only alive when she was on life support. She died when I was in surgery. They all knew it was true, but they didn't want to tell me. But I already knew! Maybe I talked to her when I was in surgery I don't know. I feel like I did! My sister is gone. My only sister. I miss her so much. I do know she is in a good place with my mom, my dad, susie and all f the many cousins, and family and friends that have gone before us. I can't imagine that there will ever be a day when I don't think of Susie and Lorrie.
This has been a rough year! Not just for me but for so many people. It takes time for the pieces to come together again. So far my life is still a jig saw puzzle. Like they say.... God doesn't hand you what you can't handle, I really do wish he didn't trust me so much! I love God I do not blame God, my faith is unchanged. Just really shitty things happen sometimes and this is almost to much for me to bare.
I am still in for the fight of my own life now and somehow I just have to find something positive in every single day, so I can get thru this. I refuse to be a complainer and whinner. But omg why me, why now?
I am ready to go. Hair brushed, makeup on. Here I go t0 meet Little Grey. I am so not looking forward to this. I pull up to the Valet at the hospital (yes, they actually have valet at my hospital) I make my way to the breast center to meet my new Dr. Still thinking she is Little Grey forsure.
My name is called and low and behold there is my new Dr. She isn't Merridith, Izzy, Dr Bailey and she wasn't Little Grey! She is young, she is hip, she is trendy, she is upbeat, and she is definately in the know. They forgot to mention she is gorgeous too. But for me most importantly she is my Dr! Dr Lisa and I loved her!! She spent 3.5 hours with us. She would of spent more time if we had needed more time. She didn't rush us at all. She answered all of our questions, explained everything to us. She even gave me her personal cell phone number and email address! Do Doctors still do that??? Well mine did and really I am so happy with my new Dr!
From her office I go to the oncologist! OMG now I have an oncologist! He is awesome too. wow who would of thought I'd have an oncologist and a breast surgeon. Ok so he plans out our game plan to get thru this breast cancer thing.
Dr V. my oncologist, tells us our my game plan and I am ready to face this head on. I am ready to meet all the challenges of the treatment. I am ready to go thru the good, the bad and yes, even the ugly. I am ready to give this cansur (ya ya I know I spelled it wrong, I will continue to spell it wrong thru out the blog. I give the word no respect so one way to do it is to mispell it) I am ready to get this horrible disease out of my body. It can not stay! No Vacancy here!
I still haven't told my sister that I have Breast cancer. Her surgery is coming up. I have a housefull of guests coming for a bbq to celebrate Eddy's father's induction to the Motorcycle Hall of fame. We had this planned for a year so I couldn't cancel it. 35 guests for a bbq and my sister is in surgery. I knew it was an 8 hour surgery so before the guests would arrive she would be out of surgery and safe and I could go ahead and enjoy this gathering. Well things don't always go as planned. 8 hours turned into 12 and than 14 and than 16. I was a complete wreck so worried about my sister and I was so thankful that one of my best friends Beverly was there with me and she helped entertain the guests and clean up. I couldn't think! I kept calling my brother in law to find out what was going on. He said there were some complications during surgery. Lorrie had edema on the brain which caused multiple strokes and the entire left side of her brain went gray. The right side had to stay strong. She hadn't woken up yet from surgery.
I raced up to the hospital the next day. Lorrie still hasn't woken up. My surgery is scheduled for April 10th. Its April 4th come on Lorrie wake up!!! More complications for my pretty sister! She is in for the fight of her life! She is still in a coma, I look at her and she is truly beautiful. I am praying she wakes up. I am at the hospital everyday until April 9th I have to get ready for my surgery. Good Friday, yup its my surgery date.
Good Friday, ughh surgery time for me. I am not concerned about me, I am concerned about my sister and I know in my heart that if she wakes up she is not going to be the same. I pray that she has a deal with God that if she thinks she can handle life here with us that she wakes up but if it just is to much for her that she go with him.
Lumpectomy on the right side and extraction of all my lympth nodes. NO new boobs for me. I have one normal sized one and one little one. but who cares I am alive!!!
When I wake up from surgery I see my boys and Eddy. I look at my boys and say Auntie Lo Lo died. They said no mom she is still alive. I know she isn't. I don't know why I know but I do know that my sister died when I was in surgery. I told them she was only alive when she was on life support. She died when I was in surgery. They all knew it was true, but they didn't want to tell me. But I already knew! Maybe I talked to her when I was in surgery I don't know. I feel like I did! My sister is gone. My only sister. I miss her so much. I do know she is in a good place with my mom, my dad, susie and all f the many cousins, and family and friends that have gone before us. I can't imagine that there will ever be a day when I don't think of Susie and Lorrie.
This has been a rough year! Not just for me but for so many people. It takes time for the pieces to come together again. So far my life is still a jig saw puzzle. Like they say.... God doesn't hand you what you can't handle, I really do wish he didn't trust me so much! I love God I do not blame God, my faith is unchanged. Just really shitty things happen sometimes and this is almost to much for me to bare.
I am still in for the fight of my own life now and somehow I just have to find something positive in every single day, so I can get thru this. I refuse to be a complainer and whinner. But omg why me, why now?
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
April Fools.... but no joke
I find my way back to the breast center to get the results of my biopsy. I also have a presentation to give in 3 hours for work.
Josie the nurse calls my name, we walk way to the back and I'm thinking uh oh..... I get on the gown and I wait for the Dr that did the biopsy. I sit there just thinking uh oh.
In comes the Dr smiling and friendly she is from Phile. She grabs my hands and started speaking. This is what I heard her say. Kathy, we did find a blah blah blah blah or really it was more like Charlie Brown's teacher's voice wah wah wah cancer in the right breast wah wah wah wah in the lympth nodes, wah wah wah surgery. I'm thinking omg omg omg. She tells me that it is stage 2 possibly stage 3. I need to meet with the breast surgeon.
I remember wait it's April Fools Day she has got to be joking, right? No Joke! I told her I had a presentation to give today. I can't mess up my makeup, I can't cry. Than other thoughts come to mind. What do I tell my boys? What do I say to Eddy? OMG I can't even tell my sister she has her own surgery in 2 days. I start to cry and my make up is starting to look messy.
Ok Dr, so does this mean I get new boobs? She laughed and said well you just might. So my slogan for the day was Bad news could mean new boobs. I figure I gotta find a silver lining somewhere in this nightmare. Needless to say, I cancelled my presentation.
The support nurse told me about the breast surgeon that I needed to see. She said you need to meet with her tomorrow. You will like her alot. She is young, trendy, hip and in the know! and I am thinking terrific, I now have a breast surgeon! and she is young, trendy, hip and in the know! Do I really need this? Who would of thought just days ago I would need a breast surgeon. Not me that is forsure!
I drove him and fell into my son Tyler's arms. I cried and than my boyfriend came out and they both just stared at me as I told them I have breast cancer. They both stood there white as ghosts and said What??? My oldest son Evan came home from work and we all cried and than something inside of me said OK NOW WHAT??? First of all I need to stop crying this is not helping my family and it certainly is not helping me. I decided to to get ready for the fight of my life.
First I joined an online support group that my son had told me about. Those ladies were amazing they all had cancer and they walked me through what was to come. Seriously, my breast friends they became and I owe those ladies a big thank you!
I got my friends on the phone and I realized I have a strong support group of family and friends and of course my ladies online from the support group. I can do this. I can get thru all of it. I make the decision not to tell my sister until after her surgery. Now onto the "Introduction" of my Hip new breast surgeon. ughhhhhhh do I really need this?
Josie the nurse calls my name, we walk way to the back and I'm thinking uh oh..... I get on the gown and I wait for the Dr that did the biopsy. I sit there just thinking uh oh.
In comes the Dr smiling and friendly she is from Phile. She grabs my hands and started speaking. This is what I heard her say. Kathy, we did find a blah blah blah blah or really it was more like Charlie Brown's teacher's voice wah wah wah cancer in the right breast wah wah wah wah in the lympth nodes, wah wah wah surgery. I'm thinking omg omg omg. She tells me that it is stage 2 possibly stage 3. I need to meet with the breast surgeon.
I remember wait it's April Fools Day she has got to be joking, right? No Joke! I told her I had a presentation to give today. I can't mess up my makeup, I can't cry. Than other thoughts come to mind. What do I tell my boys? What do I say to Eddy? OMG I can't even tell my sister she has her own surgery in 2 days. I start to cry and my make up is starting to look messy.
Ok Dr, so does this mean I get new boobs? She laughed and said well you just might. So my slogan for the day was Bad news could mean new boobs. I figure I gotta find a silver lining somewhere in this nightmare. Needless to say, I cancelled my presentation.
The support nurse told me about the breast surgeon that I needed to see. She said you need to meet with her tomorrow. You will like her alot. She is young, trendy, hip and in the know! and I am thinking terrific, I now have a breast surgeon! and she is young, trendy, hip and in the know! Do I really need this? Who would of thought just days ago I would need a breast surgeon. Not me that is forsure!
I drove him and fell into my son Tyler's arms. I cried and than my boyfriend came out and they both just stared at me as I told them I have breast cancer. They both stood there white as ghosts and said What??? My oldest son Evan came home from work and we all cried and than something inside of me said OK NOW WHAT??? First of all I need to stop crying this is not helping my family and it certainly is not helping me. I decided to to get ready for the fight of my life.
First I joined an online support group that my son had told me about. Those ladies were amazing they all had cancer and they walked me through what was to come. Seriously, my breast friends they became and I owe those ladies a big thank you!
I got my friends on the phone and I realized I have a strong support group of family and friends and of course my ladies online from the support group. I can do this. I can get thru all of it. I make the decision not to tell my sister until after her surgery. Now onto the "Introduction" of my Hip new breast surgeon. ughhhhhhh do I really need this?
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
My Pop
I never really knew my dad well. I mean he was my daddy and definately was daddy's little girl but seriously I never knew him. When I was little he was my hero! When I hit high school he just scared me. I don't know why because the man never abused us! He just was such an authority and I totally respected the man. If I ever wanted to do something I would ask my mom first and she would talk my dad into it.
So when my mom died I had no choice but to get to know the man. My dad and I began our father daughter realationship. Ups and downs and arguements but mostly laughter. He was not an easy man for me to get along with because I had a big mouth. Unlike my sister who just agreed with him no matter if she disagreed or not. She still did what she wanted and I never learned how to do that. I had to argue and throw tantrums. But as we both grew older I learned the man had good advise and he truly became my friend. I finally saw this wonderful man that my mother married. He was extrordinary and everyone that met him liked him. He was likable and personable and he had a great sence of humor. I always loved my Pop, but seriously I had no clue what he was about until my mom died. I relied on her , he was just my daddy.
He gave me away at my wedding. He helped us buy our first home. The man sat with my husband for 27 hours at the hospital while I was in labor with my first child. He was a fantastic father, a loving grandpa and a great friend. I learned to truly appreciate and love my father.
We said goodbye to my Pops in 2002. Pancreatic canser. (I know i spelled it wrong but I am giving it no respect and deliberatly spelled it wrong. I think from her on I will continue to spell that word wrong! It gets no respect from me!)
When my dad died I felt like an orphan at 44 years old. I have an older brother and sister and my sister in law Susie and a brother in law. I am divorced with two kids one in college and one in high school. We are all very close. "the familia" Susie my sister in law, took over our family when my mom died. She kept our family together with all the traditions. She really kept us grounded! Susie was only in her late twenties and just starting a family of her own but yet she took on Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and all of our birthdays! And my sister and I let her. Susie was organized and she did it all so amazingly well. She took charge and kept us close and true to family. Lorrie and I were as close as ever, really Susie and Lorrie were my best friends. My confidants, I told both of them all my fears, my dreams and my secrets. Both Lorrie and I had this great respect for both my brother and Susie. But, we did expect her to have Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and all of our birthdays as well as organize our traditional Tamale Day! We appreciated it truly we did but I don't think either of us ever offered to help her. It was just expected. Again, why am I so selfish?
Susie never complained. I think she actually enjoyed being the one we relied on. We were all very close. Lorrie, Susie and I talked daily sometimes twice a day. I love these woman!
So now here it is 7 years since my dad died and I am almost 50! Our Susie died. It was shocking! She was the healthiest person I knew. It was not expected, no warnings, nothing..... she died of brain cancer. Our beautiful Susie is gone and I still to this day can not believe it. Christmas that year was misserable. We are all kinda lost. It is like losing my mom all over again only this time I am older. Lorrie and I are both lost and my brother's heart is broken.
Tamale day... My sister decides she will take on our Tamale making this year... I am so proud of her. They came out great and she was looking forward to next year's Tamale Day! I love my sister.
7 m0nths after our beautiful Susie dies my sister calls me and says "are you sitting down?" I said yep, shoes off on the couch and totally relaxed! She starts off "well, I don't want you to be mad at me" I am thinking uh oh what did she do now? She proceeds to hmmm and haaaaa and finally says " I had a PET Scan, they found a brain tumor behind my left eye" OMG, I burst into tears thinking NO NO NO, she says "Kat, it's not cancer, my Dr has done a million of these surgeries and I will be fine" she is so calm and convincing! She says her surgery date is April 3, and I am thinking thats a month away! She is totally confident that she will only be in the hospital 8 days and going to Las Vegas 3 weeks after the surgery. We all believe her. I am so scared for her. I support her decision and trusted her confidence. We talk 3-4 times a day. My Gosh I love my Sister!
So I get new insurance I have to find a new Dr. No more Kaiser... Hello Blue Cross. I am working my territory and cruise by a Dr's office and decide to stop in see if they take my insurance and sure enough they do! I schedule an appt for a complete physical. I do this not because I feel sick I just know I need a new Dr. 2 days later I meet Judee the physican assistant for my appointment. I still don''t even know my Dr. Judee schedules blood work, chest x-ray, bone density test and a mammogram. No biggie. So 2 days after that I am getting all those things done.
Uh oh, now they want to do an ultrasound on my right breast. Then a biopsy. I am a little nervous. A few days after that I get a call to come in to Hoag's Breast Center to talk to the Dr there. I am really nervous now!
So when my mom died I had no choice but to get to know the man. My dad and I began our father daughter realationship. Ups and downs and arguements but mostly laughter. He was not an easy man for me to get along with because I had a big mouth. Unlike my sister who just agreed with him no matter if she disagreed or not. She still did what she wanted and I never learned how to do that. I had to argue and throw tantrums. But as we both grew older I learned the man had good advise and he truly became my friend. I finally saw this wonderful man that my mother married. He was extrordinary and everyone that met him liked him. He was likable and personable and he had a great sence of humor. I always loved my Pop, but seriously I had no clue what he was about until my mom died. I relied on her , he was just my daddy.
He gave me away at my wedding. He helped us buy our first home. The man sat with my husband for 27 hours at the hospital while I was in labor with my first child. He was a fantastic father, a loving grandpa and a great friend. I learned to truly appreciate and love my father.
We said goodbye to my Pops in 2002. Pancreatic canser. (I know i spelled it wrong but I am giving it no respect and deliberatly spelled it wrong. I think from her on I will continue to spell that word wrong! It gets no respect from me!)
When my dad died I felt like an orphan at 44 years old. I have an older brother and sister and my sister in law Susie and a brother in law. I am divorced with two kids one in college and one in high school. We are all very close. "the familia" Susie my sister in law, took over our family when my mom died. She kept our family together with all the traditions. She really kept us grounded! Susie was only in her late twenties and just starting a family of her own but yet she took on Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and all of our birthdays! And my sister and I let her. Susie was organized and she did it all so amazingly well. She took charge and kept us close and true to family. Lorrie and I were as close as ever, really Susie and Lorrie were my best friends. My confidants, I told both of them all my fears, my dreams and my secrets. Both Lorrie and I had this great respect for both my brother and Susie. But, we did expect her to have Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and all of our birthdays as well as organize our traditional Tamale Day! We appreciated it truly we did but I don't think either of us ever offered to help her. It was just expected. Again, why am I so selfish?
Susie never complained. I think she actually enjoyed being the one we relied on. We were all very close. Lorrie, Susie and I talked daily sometimes twice a day. I love these woman!
So now here it is 7 years since my dad died and I am almost 50! Our Susie died. It was shocking! She was the healthiest person I knew. It was not expected, no warnings, nothing..... she died of brain cancer. Our beautiful Susie is gone and I still to this day can not believe it. Christmas that year was misserable. We are all kinda lost. It is like losing my mom all over again only this time I am older. Lorrie and I are both lost and my brother's heart is broken.
Tamale day... My sister decides she will take on our Tamale making this year... I am so proud of her. They came out great and she was looking forward to next year's Tamale Day! I love my sister.
7 m0nths after our beautiful Susie dies my sister calls me and says "are you sitting down?" I said yep, shoes off on the couch and totally relaxed! She starts off "well, I don't want you to be mad at me" I am thinking uh oh what did she do now? She proceeds to hmmm and haaaaa and finally says " I had a PET Scan, they found a brain tumor behind my left eye" OMG, I burst into tears thinking NO NO NO, she says "Kat, it's not cancer, my Dr has done a million of these surgeries and I will be fine" she is so calm and convincing! She says her surgery date is April 3, and I am thinking thats a month away! She is totally confident that she will only be in the hospital 8 days and going to Las Vegas 3 weeks after the surgery. We all believe her. I am so scared for her. I support her decision and trusted her confidence. We talk 3-4 times a day. My Gosh I love my Sister!
So I get new insurance I have to find a new Dr. No more Kaiser... Hello Blue Cross. I am working my territory and cruise by a Dr's office and decide to stop in see if they take my insurance and sure enough they do! I schedule an appt for a complete physical. I do this not because I feel sick I just know I need a new Dr. 2 days later I meet Judee the physican assistant for my appointment. I still don''t even know my Dr. Judee schedules blood work, chest x-ray, bone density test and a mammogram. No biggie. So 2 days after that I am getting all those things done.
Uh oh, now they want to do an ultrasound on my right breast. Then a biopsy. I am a little nervous. A few days after that I get a call to come in to Hoag's Breast Center to talk to the Dr there. I am really nervous now!
My First Experience With cancer
My first experience with cancer started in 1978. I was 19 years old and really just starting my life as an adult and not doing a very good job of it! I think I thought my parents were born to support me forever. So I really didn't need to be responsible, they were! So, they could continue to be responsible for me too. I went to college well most days I did. I don't know how I ever graduated. I really figured my parents could be responsibe for all my bills and they could just take care of me forever. The sad part of that is, I really believed that!
My parents were awesome. I grew up in a huge house in a nice safe small town. We never had money worries or at least I never knew of any. We took family vacations every year. My parents were in a boat club so we did alot of boating. I have a ton and I mean a ton of cousins and honestly we have a very close knit family. Because after all in our world " You only trust your family" and "We only have our family" "The Familia" yes, that was first under God.
So, back to being 19 years old.... My parents jetted off to Hawaii with some of my aunts and uncles and some boat club pals for a vacation. Yay I have the house to myself! Party at Kath's!!!
I knew my mom would buy me something spectacular on her trip because she always did! I kinda gave her a list of things I wanted and I was expecting it! I look back now and think...why was I so selfish? Why did I have to be so rude? Why did I expect so much from them? I had everything I wanted and most of all I had a set of parents that my friends wanted and I truly didn't appreciate them at all.
The homecoming back from Hawaii was not pleasant. They arrived home and my tiny beautiful full of life mom was pale, tierd, hurting and looked really unhappy. She forced a smile hugged me said " hi baby, I don't feel good I am going to go lay down" and I was so insulted! Uh excuse me I don't get to hear about your trip? You aren't going to give me any gifts? What you didn't bring me anything? She just said " I am so sorry baby, I was sick the entire trip". All I can say really is I was really a selfish bitch! I really am so ashamed of myself! Why was I so selfish?
Days later my mom is still sick and she was going back and forth to the Dr's office who then sent her to the dentist because her jaw was hurting and then the dentist suggested she see a Chiropractor. My mom was not feeling good and her entire body was now hurting her. Finally they started looking at other things and did a biopsy and found cancer in her lungs, her bones and basically all over her entire body. Her Doctor who she trusted had just lost his daughter so she had to see a Dr she didn't know. He was a nighmare. The Dr came into her room with the results, along with her life expectancy! That was the worst thing he could of ever told her. She did exactly 6 months to the date!
My mom died of cancer. That was my first experience with cancer. I lost my beautiful mom before I could become her friend, before I graduated from college, before I got married and before I had my precious babies Evan and Tyler.
I haven't had my mom in my life for way to long. I feel she was way to young and I was way to young to lose her. To this day I feel I got ripped off and so did my kids. I miss my mom today just as much as I did back then. Some people say it gets easier. I disagree, it never gets easier you just find ways to cope with it.
And than life goes on......
My parents were awesome. I grew up in a huge house in a nice safe small town. We never had money worries or at least I never knew of any. We took family vacations every year. My parents were in a boat club so we did alot of boating. I have a ton and I mean a ton of cousins and honestly we have a very close knit family. Because after all in our world " You only trust your family" and "We only have our family" "The Familia" yes, that was first under God.
So, back to being 19 years old.... My parents jetted off to Hawaii with some of my aunts and uncles and some boat club pals for a vacation. Yay I have the house to myself! Party at Kath's!!!
I knew my mom would buy me something spectacular on her trip because she always did! I kinda gave her a list of things I wanted and I was expecting it! I look back now and think...why was I so selfish? Why did I have to be so rude? Why did I expect so much from them? I had everything I wanted and most of all I had a set of parents that my friends wanted and I truly didn't appreciate them at all.
The homecoming back from Hawaii was not pleasant. They arrived home and my tiny beautiful full of life mom was pale, tierd, hurting and looked really unhappy. She forced a smile hugged me said " hi baby, I don't feel good I am going to go lay down" and I was so insulted! Uh excuse me I don't get to hear about your trip? You aren't going to give me any gifts? What you didn't bring me anything? She just said " I am so sorry baby, I was sick the entire trip". All I can say really is I was really a selfish bitch! I really am so ashamed of myself! Why was I so selfish?
Days later my mom is still sick and she was going back and forth to the Dr's office who then sent her to the dentist because her jaw was hurting and then the dentist suggested she see a Chiropractor. My mom was not feeling good and her entire body was now hurting her. Finally they started looking at other things and did a biopsy and found cancer in her lungs, her bones and basically all over her entire body. Her Doctor who she trusted had just lost his daughter so she had to see a Dr she didn't know. He was a nighmare. The Dr came into her room with the results, along with her life expectancy! That was the worst thing he could of ever told her. She did exactly 6 months to the date!
My mom died of cancer. That was my first experience with cancer. I lost my beautiful mom before I could become her friend, before I graduated from college, before I got married and before I had my precious babies Evan and Tyler.
I haven't had my mom in my life for way to long. I feel she was way to young and I was way to young to lose her. To this day I feel I got ripped off and so did my kids. I miss my mom today just as much as I did back then. Some people say it gets easier. I disagree, it never gets easier you just find ways to cope with it.
And than life goes on......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
